


Home

by Hannahmayski



Category: Naruto
Genre: FUCK DANZOU, Gen, Let Sai Live, M/M, Root - Freeform, Trauma, anyway i love sai so much, he (kinda) realises that they actually care about him but it's a work in progress, he is such a good boi, i would kill him with my bare hands if i could, it's danzou's fault, sai is sad but he has team 7 so it's okay, sai needs a hug, yamato is no.1 dad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-25
Updated: 2018-11-25
Packaged: 2019-08-29 03:30:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16736256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hannahmayski/pseuds/Hannahmayski
Summary: Sai’s never had a home before.(Or: Sai is a precious bean who wouldn't know love and affection if it slapped him in the face)





	Home

**Author's Note:**

> golly gosh if there are any errors im heckin sorry

Sai’s never had a home before.

Not in the way that these people mean it. He’s had a bed with four walls around him and a blanket and a pillow. These were located in Root's headquarters, which was the place he lived.

It wasn’t a home. It was a place that he reported back to after missions. It was the place he slept and trained. 

But it wasn’t _his._ The blanket was Danzou’s. The Bed was Danzou’s. The pillow was Danzou’s. _He_ was Danzou’s.

But these people – Naruto, Sakura, Kakashi and Yamato – mean it in a completely different sense. Naruto has an apartment. It’s _his_ apartment. He lives there and is the owner of the items inside. It is the place he sleeps, but it’s a place Naruto feels safe.

Sakura goes back to her parents, sleeps in her room, with her blankets and her bed in a place where she feels safe. She doesn’t own the house, but it’s no less of a home than Naruto’s.

_A home isn’t always a building,_ Kakashi tells him one day, _it can be a person, but in both instances, it’s the place where you feel the safest and the happiest._

Safe.

Sai knows the definition off by heart – protected from or not exposed to danger or risk; not likely to be harmed or lost.

Sai knows the definition, but finds that he doesn’t know the feeling. Sai is an assassin. Sai is –  _was_ – one of Danzou’s best operatives, and training never stops.

_Always be on guard_ was one of Danzou’s strictest teachings, _trust no one._

Sai doesn’t feel safe at his apartment. Not when ROOT agents charged in at all hours of the day and night for mission updates and to test him, seeing if he’s keeping up his training, even if they don’t any more after Danzou’s death. That doesn’t mean Sai can’t feel every chakra signature that goes by and especially not when any one of those could be an enemy.

Sai doesn’t feel safe in Konoha. Not when people give him those _looks._ Ones of pity or anger or contempt.

Not when people see him as broken, as part of a failed experiment or the blistered remains of a greedy man’s ideals. Not when he sees _himself_ as that.

Team 7 is the safest he ever remembers feeling.

(But Team 7 don’t need him anymore. He was the Sasuke replacement. And Sasuke’s returned now, so that leaves Sai as nothing but extra baggage.) 

Around Yamato, he still struggles to find the words to say how he feels but he’d told Yamato of this, feeling as though everything around him is treacherous ground. One wrong step and this ridiculous bubble of happiness will pop.

Yamato had stared passed him for a long moment.

_it… gets better._ He said. _It doesn’t really leave but it gets better._

Sai should believe him. Yamato understands better than he could possibly hope anyone else too, but he’s not sure he can.

Sai has never had a home. Sai has never had a family. Sai has never had a _name_ that has more meaning beyond a temporary code.

Danzou was the closest thing to a _home_ he can remember, but he didn’t feel safe with Danzou. He didn’t feel happy. He didn’t feel anything.

He wonders of his birth parents; did they have a home? Was it small? Big? What had happened that was so awful that Sai had ended up in Danzou’s care?

_Why can’t he remember anything before Danzou?_

Yamato hadn’t said anything for a while after Sai had asked that, like the words were too far away for him to reach.

_I don’t remember anything before Danzou either,_ he had said, looking at Sai, his face wiped of expression. _I try not to think about that too much._

Sakura had given him a long, long look after she had found out that Sai knew nothing of who he was. She opened her mouth, closed it and opened it again.

_You look like a fish_ Sai had said because there was nothing Sakura could do about it anyway and she looked ridiculous when she didn’t know what to say.

She had frowned at him. _Do you want to know?_

Sai shrugged in response. It didn’t matter either way. Either way, he would never know.

* * *

 

It’s an ordinary day when Kakashi calls them all together. _For lunch,_ he said, _since we’re all together now._

It’s an ordinary day when Sai wakes up to the fire in his chest and the pounding in his head as his mind remembers. Brings back the memories of the children, parents, siblings, aunties, uncles, grandparents and shinobi alike that he killed.

It’s an ordinary day when Sai cries himself awake.

He remembers the blood, the pain, the death, the utter horror of it all, and yet he can never remember anything that he wants. Names, faces of people he might have known, places he visited before Danzou is all still an endless void of nothing. The names of other ROOT operatives that he’d – despite everything – formed some sort of liking too are just blurry, nameless figures.

He stays in his cramped apartment for as long as he can allow before he knows he’ll have to leave to meet with the others. He’s not entirely sure if he can face them right now when his head is a spiralling mess of jumbled thoughts and disconnected memories that he wants nothing more than to forget.

He showers, scrubbing his skin until it’s raw and aching. It takes his mind off the worse stuff for a while.

He stands in front of his apartment door long enough that he’s not sure he’ll ever move again and genuinely contemplates locking the door, sealing the windows and never leaving.

He forces his hand to grab the doorknob and walks out before he can change his mind. Naruto and Sakura will come looking for him and then they’ll know something is wrong with him. (Not that there hasn’t always been something wrong with him.)

The walk to Kakashi and Yamato’s house goes by in a blur of bustling people and smudged, indistinguishable colours and he finds that he’s knocked on their door before he’s even fully aware of where he is.

Yamato answers the door, eye bags ever present, but they’ve eased more as time has gone on. Still, Captain Yamato usually looks as tired as Sai feels, and today is no exception.

Yamato gives him a long look, eyes roaming across Sai’s face in the blank way that he knows he shouldn’t find comfort in. He’s finally free from that blankness, the uncaring, the inhumane place that was his _life_ for as long as he can remember.

The visible expressions these people make without a care in the world is supposed to give him more comfort.

(Sai still can’t get his face to _move_ right. He smiles wrong, is angry wrong, is sad wrong. He can never do it right, so it’s easier if he doesn’t try at all.)

Yamato gently pulls him inside and tugs the door closed behind him. He pulls him over to his and Kakashi’s bedroom, avoiding the noise of the others in the living room.

“Not a good day?” he asks softly. It takes a long moment for Sai to find words, but yes… it’s a bad day. An awful day where nothing feels right. A day where he feels like a parasite, leeching off of people, nothing but an extra that’s just waiting to be discarded. A day where he feels like that abyss that he’s been staring into desperate to find answers is finally staring back, but it’s giving him all the answers he doesn’t want.

“Yes,” Sai says, because this has got to be one of the worst days he’s ever had. He shouldn’t even be here. Team 7 is complete with Sasuke’s return so he’s just leftovers. He’s unnecessary baggage.

Yamato nods and sends him a smile that Sai has come to learn comes hand and hand in sympathy. He hates that look, but he can’t hate that look from Captain Yamato.

Kakashi was Naruto, Sakura and Sasuke’s first Sensei, but Yamato was _his_ first sensei and Yamato has only ever offered compassion. Yamato has only ever looked out for him.

“The others are worried about you, but if you would prefer to hide out here for a bit longer that’s fine.” Yamato tugs him to sit on the edge of the bed, luckily since Sai’s legs feel horrendously shaky.

Yamato runs a patient hand through Sai’s hair that he’s let grow probably a bit too much and Sai hates how much he likes the touch.

In Root, people never did that because it was unnecessary. Attachment to anything was impractical.

Sai ducks his head and eases his hands between his knees. Yamato its next to him, not too close to be crowding him, but not too far away.

They sit in silence and Sai can’t move. His whole body tensed and embarrassed.

He sits in silence, and Yamato doesn’t push any information out of him.

It’s a little different for Sai compared to Naruto and Sakura. Kakashi and Yamato are Anbu like Sai. He doesn’t need to be taught by them. He’s not really their student. He calls Kakashi, Kakashi-senpai out of respect. But Sai is Anbu. He’s in the Black ops. Just like Yamato and Kakashi.

He’s not just a Chuunin or Genin. Sai is Anbu and has been since he could remember, and thankfully Yamato seems to understand that. Yamato also seems to understand that Sai is still trying to work everything out.

“I know you don’t want to, trust me I get it, but I really think it would help if we came out with the others,” Yamato doesn’t touch him again, clearly not wanting to make Sai feel completely useless. His voice is soft, patient. It’s not an order, he’s letting Sai decide.

Kakashi peaks his head into the room at that moment, his eyes trace the two of them and Sai can see the cogs turning in his head. He makes eye contact with Yamato and they seem to share an entire conversation before Kakashi gestures behind him.

“Hungry?” he asks.

Sai doesn’t really feel hungry, but he also hasn’t eaten a single thing all day, which he knows isn’t good, so he nods anyway.

He’ll have to face the others eventually and the sooner he does that the fewer questions they will have for him.

He nods as he stands up and it’s terrifyingly easy to slide that mask of indifference back on. Yamato’s hand is on his shoulder for just a moment, and Sai isn’t sure what the meaning truly is behind his captain’s actions, but he’s sure it is only to comfort him.

Sai follows Kakashi out into the living room and he tries to brace himself for the questions and the looks that he isn’t sure how to answer.

It’s just… one of those days, he supposes.

Naruto looks up from where he’s sprawled across Sasuke’s lap, a wide grin spreading across his face as he calls out a greeting and waving frantically. He gestures to the spot between him and Sakura.

Sai takes a steady breath, moving forward after Yamato gives him a gentle nudge to get going. Sakura shuffles slightly and pats the ground, smiling around the food in her mouth as Sasuke nods at him in recognition. His eyes bore into Sai as he sits down, roaming across Sai’s face before he leans back once again, lips pressed into an indifferent line.

Sasuke seems to understand Sai’s predicament a little too well, he realises.

Yamato nudges a plate of food towards him, the corner of his mouth twitching upwards in an attempt to calm Sai’s nerves, but it’s obvious even after all these years, a genuine smile on his captain is one hard to come by.

Sai takes another breath as Naruto’s foot finds Sai’s lap as Sasuke growls at him for his wild gestures nearly resulting in hitting Sasuke in the face. No one asks any questions, no one looks at him differently. Sai rolls his shoulders, begging his tense muscles to relax. 

Sai’s never really had a home before, never had a family. But as Yamato nudges the plate a little closer again, cheeks reddening as Kakashi teases him, Sakura pressed up against his side and Naruto’s voice a constant, comfortable noise in the background, he can’t help but wonder if maybe, this is what a home is like.

 

**Author's Note:**

> This has been a WIP in my folders since October last year (yikes) and I finally got around to finishing it. I wasn't overly satisfied with the ending,,,,, but oh well,,,
> 
> Sai is my son and i love him!!!!!!!! Also I love Root so much and it was such a wasted avenue. Exploring root more would have made the plot WAY for interesting ~~is it obvious the main reason I love naruto because of it's potential rather than the actual show lmao~~
> 
> YEAh I have a [Nart blog](https://a-nb-u.tumblr.com/) and here is my [writing blog](https://echoswriting.tumblr.com/)!!!!!!


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